Wanted: One Australian Aboriginal to Investigate Blunt Administration

In the United States the Sixth Amendment guarantees us the right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury. Apparently politicians are provided an additional right; the right to pick an investigator to their liking. The Missouri Republican Party recently invoked this right in regard to an investigation of the Blunt administration's handling of public records. In a press release entitled Nixon’s ‘Independent’ Panel a Sham; Fisher Self-Identified Democrat, the Republicans report that:

• Clarence “Mel” Fisher, the head of the investigative team, is a self-identified Democrat.
  
• Chief legal counsel for the investigation and former Webster County Associate Circuit Judge Daniel Max Knust has ties to Nixon campaign treasurer Craig Hosmer.

As a result of these "findings" the press release states:

"Jay Nixon’s claim that his committee is independent is a complete and utter sham because he clearly appointed loyalists whose biases have exposed the true nature of this blatantly political witch hunt,” said Paul Sloca, communications director for the Missouri Republican Party. “The people of Missouri are not only being misled by Jay Nixon but are also being asked to trust a kangaroo court that is using their hard-earned tax dollars to finance a purely political probe.”

Knust has now resigned his post and his resignation letter stated as the reason that "the Governor's staff is unhappy with my involvement..." However, Knust noted his Republican background when he wrote "my parents were devout Republicans and I have held office for 28 years as a Republican." Knust closed the letter by writing; "Thank you for having the confidence that my involvement would have been well received by the Governor's staff."

Under this logic who can investigate the Blunt administration? We have to eliminate Democrats and Republicans since, under this line of thinking, neither could be independent. We also need to eliminate those who have "ties" to anyone associated with Nixon or Blunt. However, shouldn't we also eliminate anyone that voted for or against either Nixon or Blunt? For that matter, how can we trust anyone who is going to vote in the upcoming gubernatorial election?

To be safe we probably need to eliminate everyone who has "ties" to anyone who is involved with any political party. After all, don't members of the Libertarian, Green, Natural Law, Reform and Statesmanship parties have their own agendas? This does not mean we can trust those that label themselves as "independent" since these type of people often distrust both of the major political parties.

So who is left? I originally thought the Unabomber would be a good choice but because of his anti-technology stance I am worried that he may in fact be in favor of the deletion of emails. Therefore, I propose we find an Australian Aboriginal to finish this investigation. The right Aborigine could come in without any of the ties or affiliations which eliminate most of the adult population of the world yet he or she would still be able to communicate any findings of the investigation (which is why infants were not considered). If this works I suggest we extend the right to an Aborigine prosecutor to all Americans so that we can all be protected from the injustice of a "sham" investigation. Lady Justice would be proud.